fire storm or solar flare?

I am in a very, very long, intense flare, or as my sister (who has this nasty thing, too), says "firestorm" (much more accurate, don't you think? Or maybe even "solar flare").

I have been in so much pain for months. There have been no okay days. There have been no not too bad days. There have only been DAMN IT, I HURT days -- for months. I know it is stress. Way too much crap happening all at once. And, its been that way for way too long, too. One frickin' thing after another. Why does it go like this? Why is all of this happening to my family (I include my extended family, we make any soap opera look like Sesame Street)? Other families manage to have dry spells of misery-less-ness (I often make up words - the right ones won't come to me). Why the heck can't we just have one nice week of blissful rut-ness? You know--"I'm in a rut," people lament. They have no idea how lucky they are!

Along with the unending pain is an exhaustion I have never known before. It feels as though I have walked 500 miles. I feel so weak, I can barely raise an arm or a leg. It is all I can do to get from one side of the room to the other. And then I can hardly catch my breath. I know I am out of shape--okay there is absolutely NO shape, just a big, big blob of shuddering humanity -- but even at my worst before, I could breath. I am now developing a fear of suffocating, because sometimes I feel as though I am.

I genuinely feel sometimes like I am suffocating. But, there is also the feeling of suffocating under the weight of this chronic illness. I can't seem to make any positive moves toward accepting my life. Or, even figuring out how to live this life.

Michael J. Fox has been haunting me lately. That man is a marvel. I have been seeing him or hearing about him often the last few weeks. He was on "Rachael Ray". He is on the cover of Reader's Digest, "What My Illness Taught Me". Where does he find the strength, the positive outlook, the ability to keep going? He shames me. I am a sniveling coward and wimp. I haven't even gotten up the guts to read the article yet. He just smiles out at me from the cover. And I feel ashamed of myself. I should be able to do this. Other people do. Others go on with their jobs. They go on with their commitments. They go on with their life. Look at Michael. Smiling.