So, how full of myself did I sound in that last blog? I really was not trying to brag, boast, whatever. This whole blog thing is a journal of sorts for me-which I assume it is for many of you. I am really floundering in this new life. I am clinically depressed, I know that since I am being treated for it. And, I am in that place where I can't see myself ever doing anything but very minimal self/home maintenance. I can do the laundry, pick up around the house (but can no longer clean it myself), I can go to the grocery, do some cooking--but don't often. I cannot see myself being productive at all, can't see myself contributing or making a difference. So, I listed all the things I could remember I did, hoping I could say "See, you can do it, you did it". But all that did is say "Yeah, you did all that stuff then...but you can't do squat now." Useless, taking up space. For what? For my kids. I don't want to mess them up any more than I may have already. My husband? He would be ever so much better without me. I guess you aren't supposed to talk about stuff like this out in the "web". I don't know. Its how I'm feeling. Its what I am thinking. Not in a good place.
The fatigue is killing me. When I stand up I feel like I have 100 pound weights hanging on my arms and legs. I can barely make it across the floor to the other side of the room. People think I exaggerate--but I DON"T! I never thought a person could be sooo tired and sooo weak. And, if tomorrow I am up walking around easily people will say"I knew it wasn't that bad.Brother!!" But it WAS that bad and tomorrow or tonight or this afternoon it may be that bad again. "Yeah, yeah. What a hypochondriac!" DAMN this Fibro! Sometimes I wish it would just do me in so I could be done. And, so everybody else could be done, too. DAMN IT! damn it...damn it...damn it.
Later,
me
CJ,in time (really? when???)
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to stop by tonight. I saw your comment on Rosemary's blog. Hey listen, I think what you are writing is not boring and is very worthy of the space you are using. I really do. It helps me to know that I am not alone even though, it also saddens me that you must endure too.
It is horrible CJ. The fatigue and pain, the judgment and misunderstanding from others, the brain fog, the past haunting us and the fear of the future. Who wouldn't be depressed!
I hope this blog helps you like mine has helped me. Some days I haven't been able to write anything or read but it has made a huge difference in my life, especially now having connected with Rose, and you.
I hope with time you will find that you have much to offer, even if it isn't what you had before. You may find that you are able to help others, like your words, so honest, have helped me tonight.
Please take care of yourself and I will try to do the same.
Many blessings to you, and yours.
dogkisses
Thank you so much Miss dogkisses. Love the name by the way--they do give such loving, non-judgmental kisses.
ReplyDeleteYour second paragraph is a mouth and mind full! Could not have said it better myself. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours looking over your blog--first here, then there, then off to check something you cited, then back again. What a journey that was! You have an incredible way with words!! Your tribute to Free was...well words fail me. And then,those posts about your son. OMG, how have you lived with the pain? How do you go on with all that you have lived, with all that you are living? I helped you? How could that possibly be true? Your piece on Culture and Disability, "I haven’t decided if what I have to say is important to anyone other than myself." IT IS IMPORTANT!! It is so very important. I only looked at one tenth of what you have written and you have touched me in a way no other quite has. Thank you for your uplifting words about my blog. Thank you for your words on your blog. Thank you, Miss dogkisses, for you.
me,
CJ
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteJust had to check my blog, and wanted to come here. Having some computer issues. Your words have brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart! Thank you so much for what you have said. Yes you helped me and have helped me again. I guess this is how I keep on living. Just knowing that something I wrote helped someone, well, that is a lot. I didn't think anyone really liked my piece on disability. It is hard, my life, and I have a difficult time, so again, thank you so much for your encouragement!
Miss Dogkisses (hugs!!!)