How do you start?

So, how do you start one of these things? It seems odd to just jump in the middle of my life (Is this the middle? No, think that happened a few years back. Okay, more than a few.) Start at the beginning of this Fibro thing? I have no idea when that was. It seems like it has always been here. I read about someone who said they have had Fibro for over 30 years! Yikes! Well, I guess if you can think back that far maybe you can trace it. Me, I can't think past this morning.

It seems like this THING has always been here. Yet I know it hasn't been this bad. I actually used to have a life. I do know that. I was a mover and a shaker. Well, I did things. Lots of things. I never learned the art of saying "No". That is until this THING came along. Now its "I'm sorry, no." That happened enough times that I lost a whole group of friends."Friends" that I had for over five years. They decided I had "moved on". They said they were still my friends. They just took me off the group email. I have heard from one of them in the past year. She sent a card.

Moved on. Yeah, well. I guess I have moved--to a totally different world. A world of unending pain. A world of unrelenting fatigue--make that exhaustion. A world of doctors, one right after the other. A world of medicines, one right after the other. A world of unending depression. A world of heart jumping anxiety. A world of "No, I'm sorry."

A state of existence. I don't feel like I am living in this world right now. Just existing. There is oh so much more than the Fibro going on that has me in this hole. It would be the "whole" of my life. But, the Fibro makes everything else so hard to manage. My health, or lack of, is ruling my life. Everything depends on how I feel from moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day. For so long the pain and exhaustion have had me tied to the couch.

I have got to find a way off of this couch.

me,
CJ, in time