Befuddled, Bemused, Bamboozled, Flummoxed

Procrastinator Extraordinaire-Reasons why people procrastinate: Perfectionism, Lack of confidence, Can't make decisions, Don't know where to start, Depression

Perfectionist : A perfectionist is someone who lives with a constant sense of failure because their achievements, no matter how impressive, don’t ever feel quite good enough.


Unfocused, Unable to Concentrate

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Do you recognize yourself? Well, it fits me to a t or to a tee, depending on your take on the phrase. (I googled it and read 8-10 answers--which explains A LOT about me!)

I have been absent from my blog for a variety of reasons (see all of the above). I have also been HURTING, as have many of you ---what is up with this summer? I have been sick with a stomach bug and my husband came home for a short visit. And, I don't know what to write about. I have several ideas, some even started in draft form waiting in line for me to DO something with them.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I had told Rose that I feel pressure to write, to write more. Most of you write almost everyday, if not 3-4 times a week. I average once a week. Is that acceptable? I don't know. It really isn't to me. I feel like I am an insult and embarrassment to the rest of you. I feel inadequate. I'll tell you, I don't need any more help to feel like that. My inability to do anything useful because of my health is plenty enough fuel for that.

I know what is going to happen now. All of you wonderful, supportive, caring people are going to tell me it is alright and I am doing fine. Please know that I am not fishing for support. I am just laying it out there--what I feel. It is what this blog allows me to do. Be honest. Painfully honest.

I have found that my most recent posts have touched people in a way I had not imagined. I have been able to verbalize what some have been feeling, feelings they have not been able to express on their own blogs because of who has access to their posts. I have purposely tried to keep my blog as anonymous as possible so that I am able to speak my mind. I do not have anyone I can share these feelings with. You are my closest friends. You understand what I am going through, you know how tough it is, how painful and exasperating it is. You know the firestorm of emotions that I live with, that I must control. You know the unconscionable remarks and behavior of others I must endure because of their ignorance of chronic illness. And of their unwillingness to learn or to listen or to try, just try to understand.

I have not told any of my family how they can find my blog. Not even my sister who also has Fibro. I hope that's not too selfish. But, I need this for me.( She could start her own if she wants to. It wouldn't necessarily end up connected to me and my online group. I guess I would deal with it if it did.) If she read my blog everyone in my family would soon know what I had said or what I was thinking or feeling. No, she is not a gossip. You know how it is though, stuff just comes out. I cannot risk that. I need this lifeline.

So here, CJ. You have a new post, rambling though it is. Woo hoo for me. But, I do hope this explains a little bit more about me and about what has been going on with me recently.

It is what it is.

Hugs with fondness and appreciation,

CJ

The best medicine of all...

I am overcome with, I don't know with what!? Words, words won't come to me. I am overwhelmed with incredible feelings of gratitude, with a feeling of healing warmth, and with the feeling that I have been blessed beyond my comprehension and perhaps beyond my worthiness.

I am not sure why I started this blog. I liked playing around with the templates and all at first. I loved being able to read all of the blogs I found while poking around. I could relate so closely with so much of what was written. I decided to try writing a page myself... and along came Rose...who introduced me to Lynn-Marie and Miss Dogkisses. And, I found Jolene, Tamiko, and Naddya. What a huge, huge blessing you have all been to me. I honestly can't begin to thank you enough for all of your kind, uplifting words to me personally and for your sharing of yourselves with all of us who have been fortunate enough to have found your pages.

This is an incredible collection of women who are willing to share their lives, their experiences both positive and negative, their very souls, to others struggling with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and many, many other forms of chronic illness. I have gained great insight from these writings and have developed great friendships with these ladies.

I am in awe to be included in a listing of blogs by Jolene, aka gracefulagony. Please visit her blog at gracefulagony.wordpress.com. She lists fifteen blogs that she recommends be checked out. I would list them on my blog, but I haven't figured out how to embed a website on my blog yet(!!). Such a newbie! Anyway, I have read several and they are all so different and informative and worth a read!

So, in case you haven't guessed it by now, YOU are the best medicine! All of you wonderful, kind, and supportive friends who cheer me on and commiserate with me. I could not make it thru some days without you. I wish I was as disciplined as many of you are about writing your blog each day. I know it would help me on days I am really down if I would get on my computer and at least read for awhile. I am always moved and often get a chuckle from someone's blog. Thank you fellow bloggers for all that you do to help so many. I am happy to think I have helped someone, too.

Hugs,
me,
CJ