tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9818622819699517602024-03-21T19:34:36.273-07:00CJ In TimeA fellow walking wounded, trying to accept and cope with this insidious disease known as Fibromyalgia. As Rosemary says "I Really do Miss Myself". And, I hope to once again find CJ, in time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-59851403277251467932011-02-14T19:38:00.003-07:002011-02-14T19:54:35.662-07:00my outlook...<span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >Yes, this really is my blog. I have been gone, suffering thru many, many new tests and many, many new diagnoses. The change in my blog reflects my "being" presently. Out of sorts, maybe, and all over the place.<br /><br /> A little dark and cloudy. But, with remembrances of my beloved desert home, which I shall be leaving by the years end. A sky filled with lightning, with upheaval, with some foreboding of what may come.</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" ><br /><br />I hurt constantly now. I am so tired, so very, very tired. Life has gotten to be almost more than I can bear at times. But, I reach for my happy face to put on when its needed and just curl up and hide otherwise. My emotions are all over the place. I might look and sound perfectly fine one moment and in tears the next.<br /><br />But you all know this place. It is a world that we all reside in at times. It just seems to be taking over more and more of late...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-48303185553667636542011-02-07T19:47:00.007-07:002011-02-09T19:07:54.414-07:00Chronically, Chronically Ill<span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >Being Chronically Ill is more than being sick chronically-- it is facing a whole new chronically Chronically Ill world. It is facing this world and being forced to become a resident at one of the lowest, if not </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >the</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > lowest, times of your life. It is being blind sided and shanghaied when you are so tired and the pain is unending and you do not understand what the hell is going on.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >It is pain like you have never known. Where is it coming from, what is causing it? You cannot move without wincing in pain. Aspirin, Tylenol, Ibuprofen -- they are like water, they don't touch a thing. Nothing you do helps. Must be a flu. I'll tough it out. It will go away. It will go away. You don't know this world yet. But you will.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >In this new world you will learn a new language. It is learning, or re-learning, how to do research. It is learning how to do research in this new language. It is reading articles online with one page open to a medical dictionary, one page open to webmd to help you understand what you have just read in the medical dictionary, and a word document open so you can cut and paste info to ask one of your many doctors what it truly means and if it has</span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > anything</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > to do with </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >you</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > anyway.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >It is learning the names and specialties of an ever growing list of new doctors. It is learning what these specialists specialize in and learning why you are so DAMN</span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > special</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > that you need to see all of these new specialists.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >It is learning the names, the spellings, the pronunciations, and the uses of an ever growing list of new medications. It is learning how to make a chart on a Word document to document all of the medicines you take, how much you take, who prescribed it and when, if you went off of it , why. Or, god forbid, learning how to make an</span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > Excel spreadsheet</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" > to keep track of all of the doctors, all of the medications, and all of the "conditions" you have now been </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >special </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >enough to have been diagnosed with.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >Chronically, Chronically Ill.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:130%;" >And, this is only the foreword...</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><br /><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-22110373637791034662010-11-09T19:01:00.008-07:002011-02-09T19:15:28.284-07:00I've been out of commission...<span style="font-size:130%;">So, Rose asked:<span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><i><span style="color: rgb(15, 36, 62);"><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">"What are they doing for your blood pressure!"</span></span></i></span><br /><br />They are filling me with more drugs...so far they are not doing much. I was in the hospital a couple of days Halloween weekend--couldn't breath! They did tons of tests as they were afraid it was my heart. Luckily my heart looks fine. I have been feeling horrible for a couple of months, with the breathing difficulties getting worse. I finally saw my PC again and he was worried and wanted a CAT scan. Since it was Friday he told me to go to the ER so he could get the results faster. Then the hospital decided to hold me hostage!<br /><br />They are still not sure exactly what the problem is (perhaps chronic asthma and/or chronic bronchitis) and have sent me to a pulmonologist. That has me shaking in my boots because he is going to have a coronary himself when he sees my list of meds--and then he is going to take me off a bunch of them! I know he will and I don't know what I am going to do. We have worked so hard to come up with a mix that at least makes most days tolerable. Damn it, it never ends. He is also probably going to order another sleep study and they will find out the same thing they did last time -- I don't sleep. And, they don't know why or what to do about it.<br /><br />Ah, the life of an overweight fibromyalgia patient. It is either because of the fat or the fibro. A pat on the head and out the door....<br /><br />I really do hate my life. Sigh...I<i> will</i> try harder to lose weight. But the exercise has me stumped. I have so many other health problems along with the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. So, please someone tell me, what can I do?<br /><br />I am really down and so far passed tired I have no description of how tired I am. I haven't read much of my buddies' posts in the last month or more. I truly miss you, but I am so darn tired, by 1:00pm I am done in. The scary thing is though, I don't want to do anything, even read my dear friends posts, much less write one. It has taken the better part of two hours to write this.<br /><br />I want you all to know I am thinking about you and praying for you, and worrying about you, too.<br /><br />Fondly,<br />CJ</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-10349386818119644822010-10-09T18:02:00.018-07:002011-02-09T19:24:42.845-07:00For Cathy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJH1Iq43OvqFHp04hwzvJIrrp0PYsMy5JxO_1azOMNfHxEe8TShUyRBKrtJTI7tYqq96ZCV_4-rYpFisocWCgU1rJSA-o4vZkJA1JcCdf0QfZIx0zU_nBV1a048NAOfmeDH6JlhDvvZtU/s1600/pink+together.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 387px; height: 130px;" 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I spent the last eight months of her life helping her die. It was the most painful, glorious experience of my life. I only met Cathy 11 months before she passed. We were long lost sisters, we decided. We had so very much in common and could talk for hours about nothing -- or about... everything.</span><br /></span></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Her husband was a piece of work. He was the typical charismatic alcoholic. Everyone thought he was the greatest guy on earth, until he got behind closed doors. I came to learn over the later part of Cathy's life that he was both emotionally and physically abusive, too. He tired of caring for her, of the chemo and doctor appointments, of the housekeeping and cooking.<br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >So, Cathy and I became best friends. I don't know how I made it thru it all, with my fibro, CFS, depression, and anxiety. But, God new where I was needed. He made it possible. He made it possible for me to sit with her for hours during chemo, spend the night on a narrow bench at the hospital, rub her back so she could relax and get some much needed sleep. Somehow He made it possible for me to </span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >comfort her when she was afraid of dying, </span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >speak of what my idea of heaven was -- when I was scared, too and had no idea if there truly was a heaven.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >But, Cathy gave more to me than I could even think to give her. She was there for me, thru her pain, when I was hurting so about my crummy little life. She held me up when no one else was there, she worried about me and protected me. She stayed with me as I watched all my other "friends" walk away. She loved me. Unconditionally, faults and neuroses and all.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >I miss Cathy so much. It hurts that we had so little time together. Cathy loved butterflies. At the hospice the doors of her room opened out into this lovely courtyard. A day or two before she left, a beautiful butterfly visited her on a day they were able to roll her bed outside. Cathy had tattoos of butterflies on each shoulder and on each ankle. My son-in-law happens to be a tattoo artist. I got it into my head that I was going to get a tattoo of a butterfly on my ankle for Cathy. They were here to visit last week and I finally got my tattoo. It hurt like hell!! Somehow, I think Cathy got quite a kick out of the whole thing. Not about the pain, about my stupid tenacity to go thru with it!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style=""><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" >I saw a beautiful yellow and orange butterfly yesterday. I have no doubt it was Cathy come to say "Way to go." God, I miss her.</span><br /></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-29201594213099869212010-10-06T19:25:00.011-07:002011-02-09T19:30:34.530-07:00Depression or Reality check?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> 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mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:200%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >"I will <b>never</b> let go of<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >the fight to get well.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I will <b>never</b> let go<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >of hope that there will<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >one day be a cure.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I will <b>never</b> let go<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >of my "survivor" personality.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I will <b>never</b> calmly sit by<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >and give in to my pain.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I will never let go.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: center; line-height: normal;" align="center"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >Period."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >These words come from <a href="http://rosemaryl.blogspot.com/"><span style="color:blue;">Rose</span></a>. Rose, who always touches me with her words. Rose, who always checks in with me to see how I am doing--even in the middle of a family crisis. If you do not already read Rose, you really must. She gets it. She gets all of it, and she is still fighting.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I truly wish I could say, "Yes me too!", Rose.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >But, I can -- not. I am feeling beat down. I have never thought of myself as a "survivor". I have never thought of myself as being strong--except when it comes to fighting for my kids. Do not cross me there.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I am feeling defeated. I have pretty much lost hope. I am holding on to what little hope I have by a thin, thin, worn and weary slip of thread.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I do not like feeling this way, but ... it is what it is.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >It has been this way for a while. I don't think it’s my depression. It doesn't feel the same way. It feels like I have just come to face reality. This is my life. I am in constant pain. Pain that adds new body parts daily. A mere tap on the shoulder and I grab for my arm, wincing and trying to rub away the pain. And, the look from the person who just touched me. Puzzlement. Shock and surprise. And, then ... "You have GOT to be kidding!"</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >I am so tired, just so very, very, tired.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >me,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";color:black;" >CJ</span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-3403781418339786742010-09-24T20:22:00.008-07:002011-02-09T19:28:43.338-07:00From Jim: "Elephants, Snapping Turtles and Frogs"<span style="font-size:130%;">You must rush over to my dear Fibro friend<a href="http://theinvisibledisease.blogspot.com/"> Lynn-Marie's blog</a>. Her husband has written the most wonderful post titled, <strong>"Elephants, Snapping Turtles and Frogs".<br /><br /></strong></span><span style="font-size:130%;">I really do not have the words for a proper introduction. You simply must go read it for yourselves!<br /><br />THANK YOU, Jim for sharing your thoughts, and dare I say feelings (!). You give the other side of the conversation a voice, a voice that is rarely heard and is so important.</span><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: normal;font-size:130%;" >Hugs,</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: normal;font-size:130%;" >CJ</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><br /></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-32743199989568992342010-09-20T18:37:00.008-07:002010-09-20T19:29:04.543-07:00<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia,serif;"> <span style="font-size:100%;"><i>Ten of the Many Causes of My Depression…</i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in; line-height: normal;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><i style="font-weight: bold;">Not necessarily in any particular order:</i></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;font-size:100%;" ><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Unrelenting,"Un"-curable, Searing, Aching, Burning <i><span style="font-weight: bold;">pain</span>, </i>Each and Every Day, Day in and Day out…</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;font-size:100%;" ><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span> </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Unyielding, Relentless, Exhausting,<i> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fatigue</span></i> Day in and Day out Each and Every Day…</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;font-size:100%;" ><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Uninformed, Un-supportive, Presumptuous, Judgmental, Impudent<i> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Medical Professionals...</span></i></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="line-height: 150%;font-size:100%;" ><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Judgmental, Un-supportive, Deserting<i>,</i> <i style="font-weight: bold;">Vanishing Friends</i>…</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span>Blood test upon blood test upon blood test, MRI's, x-rays, CAT scans, Nerve Conduction Study (NCS), electromyograms (EMG), Nerve Conduction Velocity tests (NCV), etc., etc., etc... </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >All Tests Normal</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Insomnia</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), Tossing and turning, Edginess, Un-restorative sleep, Up and Down All Night Long, Walking in my Sleep, Eating in my Sleep, Waking when I Fall...</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Anxiety</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, Apprehension Uneasiness, Distraught, Tearful, Jumpy, Sensitive to noise, smell, touch, Ready to Jump Out of my Skin...</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">8.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span>Loneliness, Despondency, Sense of Loss, Detachment, Self-made Seclusion and </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Isolation...</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span>Failure, Useless, </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Hopeless</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Inadequate</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, Ineffective, Afraid, Afraid of the Future...</span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span>Unfocused, Forgetful, </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Muddled, Disarrayed</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, Disorganized...</span></p><p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Depression rears its ugly head from time to time, most often without any warning. It is a constant battle. Unfortunately an unending one, much like Fibro and CFS. </span></p><p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/">Graceful Agony</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> is having a Blog Carnival</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">entitled "Who Turned Out the Lights?"</span> examining the topic of Depression. It is very touching and thought provoking and most certainly worth your time.<br /></span></p><p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;">me,</span></p><p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%;font-family:georgia,serif;"><span style="font-size:100%;">CJ, in time</span><br /></p><p style="margin-left: 0.15in; line-height: 150%; font-family: georgia,serif;"><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-19824560394957505512010-09-11T02:42:00.009-07:002010-09-11T13:18:04.481-07:00An Open Letter To CeliaOh. my gosh, Celia your symptoms (aside from the breast infection (?)) are classic Fibro. I was going to say so, but went on to read about everything else you have going on and I felt it best to wait for that resolution. Awful as Fibro is, you are dealing with much larger issues right now.<br /><br />A primer on Fibromyalgia (by CJ, my opinion, my experience only):<br /><br /><ul><li>You may or may not get the impression that it is "all in your head" from the first doctors you see. There are still some doctors who believe it is due to depression, unresolved life issues, and "soccer mom" syndrome. I recently saw another neurologist who was of that opinion. 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font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="">Rheumatologist who treats Fibro. The search for an appropriate doctor may take awhile. Be prepared and try not to become too discouraged. They can say things that can beat you down, but stand firm until you get a reasonable diagnosis and treatment plan. There <span style="font-style: italic;">are</span> some wonderful doctors out there that truly care and want to help you manage your symptoms and reclaim at least some of your "old" life. Take copious notes! Or have a trusted family member or friend keep them for you. But, <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span> stay on top of them.<br /></span></li><li>There are many approaches to treating the symptoms of Fibro. Some use natural or non-traditional treatments, herbs and the like. They may or may not work for you. Before trying any herbal remedy check with your doctor. One of the problems with herbs is that they can have very, very bad consequences when mixed with traditional medications. I am not dissing a natural, non-traditional approach at all. I am not promoting a traditional approach only. My experience has been that I AM IN UNBEARABLE PAIN. But, you need to know that I have at least two other serious incurable conditions that also cause chronic pain. I personally take four medications daily to manage my pain. Note I said "manage", I am still in pain each and everyday. The meds make my life livable (most days). I have tried both non-traditional and traditional treatment and I am using a combination of the two. How do you manage the unpredictability of the level of pain from one day to the next? Well, hopefully you have a "break thru" pain med that you do not take daily, only when you are experiencing a particularly rough day. This might be Tylenol 3, Darvocet, Vicodin, or Percocet. Take notes. Keep an up-to-date list of all of the meds--Rx or OTC--and the dosage you take with you at all times.<br /></li><li>Yes, the fibro drugs can make you a stumbling zombie. Try and give your body time to adjust and give any meds a fair chance (within reason, of course.) Warnings are included with all medications: READ THEM. Log your symptoms of possible side effects and report them to your doctor. The pain meds for nerves cause sleepiness. It may take a few weeks or more to adjust to them. These meds can be dosed for once a day, twice a day, or three times a day, with one, two, three, or four pills each time. As I say, it takes time. BUT, do NOT ignore side effects. They need to be reported ASAP! Take notes.</li><li>You will probably need more than one doctor to manage this disease. Presently I have only two, my rheumatologist and my GP. But you may also see a pain management specialist, a physical therapist, a physiatrist (a doctor who specializes in physical medicine and treats the whole patient, not just the symptoms - I had a jewel of one, then insurance and finances stepped in!), or any of several other specialists.</li><li>Now the hard one: "When will the pain stop?" The truth, probably never. However, you will find success stories of people who have come almost full circle and rarely experience the fibro pain. Unfortunately, these are hard to come by. The pain can, however, be managed. Some days quite well, some days not so much.<br /></li></ul>I hate, truly hate, that I have made this sound like doom, defeat, and despair. But, Celia, it is one of the most incredibly difficult, exhausting, and depressing struggles a person can face. Now, before people start throwing things at their monitors: of course there are more serious, complex, and pain inducing diseases. But, this is not a contest. There is no reason to say "You think you have it bad?" Believe me, Fibro patients heap the guilt upon themselves about this all of the time. We know there are people out there facing much more dire diagnoses with much less positive prognoses. Fibro is not fatal. We know all of that. But, Fibromyalgia is a serious condition. It is chronic and incurable. It is extremely painful and exhausting.<br /><br />I am praying for you in all manner I can think of. I am here for you. I hardly know you, Celia, but you have touched my heart in a very special way. I care and I would like to help in any way I can.<br /><br />Gentle hugs with fondness,<br /><br />CJ<br /><br /><br />A Disclaimer to anyone else reading this: I am not a doctor. I am not prescribing nor am I diagnosing anything. I am a Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue patient. PLEASE, see your doctor if you have any concerns or symptoms.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-85905693083704877062010-09-10T19:19:00.005-07:002010-09-10T20:12:45.761-07:00Thank you -- it's all I've gotI want to thank all of you who have commented on my blog of late. And, thank you to those signing up to follow my blog for that very special gift.<br /><br />I have been, and I still am, in a very hard place. Your words have comforted me more than you could know. Its funny, I really don't find it difficult to open up here in this place of absolute wide open public exposure. I find that rather astounding, don't you?<br /><br />Well, you shouldn't. It is <span style="font-style: italic;">because</span> of you that I feel safe and protected and <span style="font-weight: bold;">un-judged</span>. Yes, I know there is no such word (well, in most dictionaries), but there certainly is the feeling. I know that no matter what I say, you will not judge me. I am simply saying how I feel and what I am thinking. Unvarnished, unadulterated, bold faced truth. My truth, anyway, at a given point in time. And, I thank you so much for allowing me that. Somehow it lifts some of the weight of the unending pain and exhaustion.<br /><br />Your comments don't make the pain go away. They don't refresh the unyielding fatigue. But, they sure do fill me up. They fill me with up with a warmth of support and understanding. They make me smile, they touch my heart. They do revive me to fight thru another minute, hour, day.<br /><br />So, thank you. Thank you 100 times over for taking the time to leave a little bit of you with me -- to help me persevere, to keep me company, if only for a moment, and to help me lean back from that slippery, dark, deep hole.<br /><br />Thank you.<br />me,<br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-72937273567072212592010-09-04T23:50:00.005-07:002010-09-05T00:43:22.728-07:00Is there a point?I am having those thoughts when I really wonder if its truly worth it anymore. I hurt so much and I can't sleep and I am way past exhausted. The meds barely take the edge off. The side effects of weight gain, excessive perspiration, swollen legs and ankles make me totally miserable and a horrid sight to behold. I am 100 pounds over weight and because of this damn health of mine I can't make a dent. I have tried. I have tried! (That "!" is for the people who give me the look "What a lazy, fat slob with no self control.")<br /><br />What is the point in living this way? I am barely able to do the stupid little things everyone must do--grocery shopping, going to the bank, paying bills (hopefully on time), laundry. That is it. That is pretty much my life. The rest is spent sitting on the couch watching TV. It hurts to hold the phone up for very long at all, I'm on my 8th or 9th set of head phones. It hurts to hold up a book, a magazine, a newspaper. It hurts too much these days to do this--type or browse on the computer. My neck and shoulders are on fire with pain. My shoulder muscles are hard as a rock, my neck pinches with every move.<br /><br />What is the point? I am soon to be 56 years old, but I feel 86. I truly think I should stay put and let my husband start a new life in New Orleans. If I suggested it he would say no way, because he is that kind of guy. But if he was honest with himself he would love the opportunity. I am not the person he married, have not been for years. He would not be leaving me, he'd be leaving what I have mutated into.<br /><br />I hurt in every cell in my body. I have already taken all of the medicine I can. I guess I will go for the ice and heating pad and maybe a rum and coke. Yeah, I know what most of the 24 meds I take say on the bottle. But really, what possible difference could it make?<br /><br />me<br />CJ, lost in time<br /><br />p.s. Don't call the cops. I will not do anything. My son and I live here alone and I would never do that to him.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-80452878574129638962010-08-27T16:01:00.013-07:002010-08-27T17:21:41.067-07:00Changes in Gray Matter<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">One of the professional journals I check periodically for new information about Fibromyalgia is</span><a style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.jpain.org/"> The Journal of Pain: The Official Journal of The American Pain Society</a></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"> There are some fascinating articles regarding recent research in the area of pain and chronic pain. Note, to see the entire article most must be purchased. However, they offer very thorough synopses in fairly easily understood text. Mind you these are professional articles meant for professional readers--meaning they use $100 words at times. The gist of it may be understood, however.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">The most recent one I found is both alarming and encouraging. Titled </span><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.jpain.org/article/S1526-5900%2809%2900007-8/fulltext?citedBy=false&related=false&restrictName.yjpai=yjpai&searchDisciplineField=all&search_area=journal&search_currenturl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jpain.org%2Fsearch%2Fquick&search_dateradio=combo&search_federated=no&search_hits=466&search_medline=no&search_preview=no&search_query=%3Cspan+class%3D%22text_bold%22%3E%22fibromyalgia%22%3C%2Fspan%3E&search_reqcount=20&search_reqfirst=1&search_sort=relevance&search_source=The+Journal+of+Pain&search_text1=fibromyalgia&search_wordsexactly=yes&select1=relevance&select1=relevance&select2=no&select2=no&select3=20&select3=20&terms1=fibromyalgia">"Changes in Gray Matter Density in Fibromyalgia: Correlation With Dopamine Metabolism"</a><span style="font-family:georgia;"> Simply put, we have "holes" in our gray matter in the areas of the brain that correlate to the symptoms of fibromyalgia including "enhanced pain perception, cognitive dysfunction </span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >(fibro fog)</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">, and abnormal stress activity." The author states that this "confirms our previous findings that FM is associated with altered brain morphometry </span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >(neuroimaging that investigates the differences in brain anatomy)."</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > [By the way, my son adds this cheery fact: gray matter regenerates, white matter does not ; ) ]<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" ><br />"</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >The proposition that a disruption of normal dopaminergic neurotransmission may make a substantial contribution to the pathophysiology of FM was initially based on 3 key observations: (1) FM has been characterized as a “stress-related” disorder due to its frequent onset and apparent exacerbation of symptoms in the context of stressful events; (2) the experience of chronic stress results in disruption of dopaminergic activity in otherwise healthy organisms; and(3) dopamine plays a dominant role in natural analgesia within multiple brain centers. From: <a style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.jrheum.org/content/36/2/221.full">An Elephant Among Us: The Role of Dopamine in the Pathophysiology of Fibromyalgia</a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.jrheum.org/content/36/2/221.full"><br /></a></span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">The Dopamine Deficiency Theory proposed by Dr. Patrick Wood began with his first pilot studies in 2005. Though his study discussed here was done in 2007 it was not published until June of 2009. I find that lapse in time very discouraging, but I suppose it is typical of the "wheels of progress". At this rate I figure they will have something approved as treatment in another ?!?!, how many years???</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">But, the encouraging part? They have actually found something that they can point to and say "See, there is something different here. There is a tangible, medical connection that can be seen." It </span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >is</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"> all in our heads---but they can</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > see</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"> it now!!! YEA! And, they are using medications now that act on dopamine and dopamine deficiencies. I believe that what is needed is a more focused approach to determine what a successful treatment strategy will be.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Below are some of my other favorite publications that I have found helpful in my quest to learn more about FMS/CFS. I hope you find them helpful, too.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.fmnetnews.com/index.php">The Fibromyalgia Network</a></span><br /><br /></span></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Georgia; panose-1:2 4 5 2 5 4 5 2 3 3; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:85%;">The Fibromyalgia Network is a patient-advocacy organization that offers up-to-date research and treatment information, including treatments that are in the developmental stage. All of the materials published are free of any advertisements or unfounded, unsubstantiated, or spurious “cures” and “therapies”.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Membership is $28.00 per year and includes Monthly <i>eNews Alerts</i></span><span style="font-size:85%;">, </span><span style="font-size:85%;">Patient-endorsed physician referrals, Support group listings, Participation in surveys, input into future article topics including their <i>Q&A Column</i>, Free articles and brochures, and of course, Privacy protection.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a href="http://www.fmnetnews.com/cgi-bin/quikstore.cgi?product=FM03&detail=1"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">Join.</span></span><br /></a></span></p><p style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-family:georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://chronicfatigue.about.com/">Adrienne Dellwo, About.com Guide to Fibromyalgia & CFS</a></span><a href="http://chronicfatigue.about.com/"><br /></a><br />Adrienne suffers with fibro, too. She writes this blog having a background in both TV and newspaper journalism and experience researching and writing about health-related issues. She has the resources of About.com and their medical experts to bring the newest information about FMS/CFS to her blog. <a href="http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/diagnosingfmscfs/a/off_course.htm">Her story about life before a diagnosis is a good read. </a><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.cfids.org/default.asp"><br />The CFIDS Association of America</a><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >The CFIDS Association of America is the largest and most active charitable organization dedicated to chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), also known as chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS). CFIDS</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><i style="font-family: georgia;">Link</i></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >, the free e-Newsletter of the CFIDS Association of America is sent to your email account at the beginning of each month. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.cfids.org/development/checkemail.aspx">To sign up to receive this newsletter, click here.</a><br /><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Here's wishing you a comfortable, restful, and joy-filled weekend,</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >CJ</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-68122876389904414292010-08-26T11:01:00.006-07:002010-08-26T13:41:31.548-07:00Befuddled, Bemused, Bamboozled, Flummoxed<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Procrastinator 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{page:WordSection1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Perfectionism</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >, </span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if 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<![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Don't know where to start</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >, Depression</span> <span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:100%;" > <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Perfectionist</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"> : A perfectionist is someone who lives with a constant sense of failure because their achievements, no matter how impressive, don’t ever feel quite good enough.<br /><br /></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >Unfocused, Unable to Concentrate</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /> ******************************************<br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Do you recognize yourself? Well, it fits me to a t or to a tee, depending on your take on the phrase. (I googled it and read 8-10 answers--which explains A LOT about me!)<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I have been absent from my blog for a variety of reasons (see all of the above). I have also been HURTING, as have many of you ---what is up with this summer? I have been sick with a stomach bug and my husband came home for a short visit. And, I don't know what to write about. I have several ideas, some even started in draft form waiting in line for me to DO something with them.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I am not sure what is wrong with me. I had told Rose that I feel pressure to write, to write more. Most of you write almost everyday, if not 3-4 times a week. I average once a week. Is that acceptable? I don't know. It really isn't to me. I feel like I am an insult and embarrassment to the rest of you. I feel inadequate. I'll tell you, I don't need any more help to feel like that. My inability to do anything useful because of my health is plenty enough fuel for that.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I know what is going to happen now. All of you wonderful, supportive, caring people are going to tell me it is alright and I am doing fine. Please know that I am not fishing for support. I am just laying it out there--what I feel. It is what this blog allows me to do. Be honest. Painfully honest.<br /><br />I have found that my most recent posts have touched people in a way I had not imagined. I have been able to verbalize what some have been feeling, feelings they have not been able to express on their own blogs because of who has access to their posts. I have purposely tried to keep my blog as anonymous as possible so that I am able to speak my mind. I do not have anyone I can share these feelings with. <span style="font-style: italic;">You </span>are my closest friends. You understand what I am going through, you know how tough it is, how painful and exasperating it is. You know the firestorm of emotions that I live with, that I must control. You know the unconscionable remarks and behavior of others I must endure because of their ignorance of chronic illness. And of their unwillingness to learn or to listen or to try, just try to understand.<br /><br />I have not told any of my family how they can find my blog. Not even my sister who also has Fibro. I hope that's not too selfish. But, I need this for me.( She could start her own if she wants to. It wouldn't necessarily end up connected to me and my online group. I guess I would deal with it if it did.) If she read my blog everyone in my family would soon know what I had said or what I was thinking or feeling. No, she is not a gossip. You know how it is though, stuff just comes out. I cannot risk that. I need this lifeline.<br /><br />So here, CJ. You have a new post, rambling though it is. Woo hoo for me. But, I do hope this explains a little bit more about me and about what has been going on with me recently.<br /><br />It is what it is.<br /><br />Hugs with fondness </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">and appreciation,<br /> </span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">CJ </span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-39518972930521625982010-08-11T11:35:00.006-07:002010-08-11T18:46:07.698-07:00Let Me Introduce Myself...Hello. I am CJ, let me introduce myself. I am an almost 56 year old menopausal (Does it <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span> end? Is anyone ever <span style="font-style: italic;">post </span>menopausal?) married 27 years (holy smoke!!) homemaker with two children, 25 and 22 years old. I still call myself a homemaker though I haven't really fulfilled this role for four or more years. I call myself a homemaker on those forms that ask "Occupation"? I do this because I can't think of any occupation title that describes what it is I do. This would be because I am not sure exactly what it is I do... anymore.<br /><br />I hear the phrases, "I am not my disease" "My disease does not define me". This puzzles me. I am thrilled for those that can say this, those that can think of themselves and not think of their disease. I am in awe of their mindset. I have not gotten there yet. I have not even driven by it, much less walked. I am in the coliseum...at the very top...in the nose bleed seats...behind a column.<br /><br />I am CJ and I have chronic illnesses. These illnesses, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue to name a couple, shape every portion of my life. I cannot think of me and not think of them. They have taken away so much of me. It truly is like a puzzle. I am the puzzle, a puzzle of many colors, of many small, sometimes oddly shaped, pieces. Fibro and CFS have smashed into the puzzle and have lost so many pieces that I am not sure if I can patch me up.<br /><br />However, I am trying to put the puzzle back together, just like Ol' Humpty Dumpty's men. I am fairly certain it will not be the same shape it was before, some pieces are gone forever. Perhaps I can fashion some new pieces that can fit with the old. Maybe I can reshape some of these pieces to look somewhat like they did before, shape them well enough to fit in the puzzle.<br /><br />If I am able to gather all of the pieces of me, how do I go about putting me back into some semblance of what I once was? My blog, <a href="http://anotherlifeanothertimeintime.blogspot.com/">CJ In Time</a> <a href="http://anotherlifeanothertimeintime.blogspot.com/"></a> has been surprisingly helpful in that effort. I am not sure what I expected when I started it, but it has become a lifeline for me. It began when I found "I Really do Miss Myself"(now Seeking Equilibrium). I could sure relate to that title. And, I found I could relate to Rose. And, Rose not only commented on my posts, she introduced me to other bloggers. I then found "Graceful Agony". This title I could not relate to...but boy did it intrigue me. How could anyone make agony graceful? Jolene has. And she has lifted me up, too, just like Rose, and Miss Dogkisses, and Lynn-Marie.<br /><br />I have a long way to go, putting CJ together. Because of this chronic illness community of bloggers I am feeling hopeful again. One might think such a serious topic with such serious issues would be a total downer. But, we "get" each other. Even in our posts that whine, we get a lift. Someone always responds "I know what you mean" and, immediately we are not alone.<br /><br />Hi, I'm CJ and I have chronic illnesses. But, I'm not whipped yet.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-18549207734218509452010-08-09T18:40:00.001-07:002010-08-11T11:00:52.504-07:00AARP or BustI don't know how many of you out there qualify for AARP. Those too young to know, that would be the American Association of Retired Persons. You only have to be 50 or over to qualify. I find that amusing because I do not know if there has ever been a time when one could retire at the age of 50.<br /><br />Anyway, they put out this magazine bi-monthly, <span style="font-style: italic;">The AARP Magazine</span> (real creative minds working there). There is always a smiling celebrity looking out at you from the cover. That is to remind us that, yes, even the rich and famous get old, but don't they look marvelous doing so. Last bi-monthly it was Valerie Bertinelli. I don't know about you, but I have had just about enough of good ol Valerie. She is everywhere--in a <span style="font-style: italic;">bikini</span>! It is hard enough to get to age 50 without having that expectation hanging over your head. I mean really.<br /><br />So this magazine arrives every bi-monthly, with a smiling celebrity, and I quickly peruse the cover and perhaps the table of contents to see if any of my maladies are listed. These would generally be ordinary old people maladies, not celebrity maladies. Most of the celebrities gracing the cover do not have maladies. They have causes and foundations and inspirational stories about how you, too, can grow old looking like them---if you had your own personal trainer, private cook, nanny, housekeeper, shrink, etc. Most months I merely deposit <span style="font-style: italic;">The AARP Magazine</span> in the pile of newspapers to be recycled without having read anything.<br /><br />This bi-monthly, for some reason, I flipped to the back of the magazine and caught a glimpse of some little tidbit, and no it was not High Grant--who happens to be turning the big 5-oh this month. He will undoubtedly be smiling out from the cover of a future bi-monthly. I digress. The tidbit: "Help! Should I Confront My Colleague?" Well, I am always up for a good soap opera and this had possibilities. Trust me, not a good read. However, across the magazine on the other facing page was Jane Pauley. Not the real Jane Pauley, but her AARP column "Turning Point". The article was titled "Meet a New You: a change in perspective reveals hidden strengths".<br /><br />Now this sounded like something I should read. I truly wish I could reveal some hidden strengths. At this point I cannot see in myself any obvious, <span style="font-style: italic;">unhidden</span> strengths. There is a definite value in re-evaluating your minds eye of yourself. That is, taking a good hard look at yourself and taking inventory of not just the dust and cobwebs of how you see yourself, but re-discovering those attributes long hidden under the piles of misery and frustration called chronic illness. Jane Pauley got me to thinking.<br /><br />I then found other tidbits. AARP calls these "The Best of Your Life" - ha, little play on "the rest of your life", but they don't want to say that because, well you're over 50 and well, uh... So the other tidbits: "Flash: Money Does Buy Happiness", "Fighting the 40 Year Itch" with sub-categories like "Your Partner is Starting to Gross You Out", and of course Peggy Post with her column: "Oh, Behave!"<br /><br />So these retired people apparently still have a life. And, their very own magazine with "tidbits" that are sometimes thought provoking, sometimes helpful: Peggy's bit was help on how to say"No" without being rude or apologetic to those that give you guff about you saying "No".<br /><br />This little magazine offers tidbits that are little opportunities to try something new, consider a different point of view, make an effort to communicate in just a little different way that may open up a whole new line of communication, or take a look at yourself and discover that you are still a valuable person, aside from your chronic illness.<br /><br />Next bi-monthly I will turn to the back of the AARP magazine and read about "the best of my life". I am still working on finding those hidden strengths. Jane got me to thinking that I truly might have some hidden strengths. By the way, did you know Jane Pauley struggles with <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5887567/">bi-polar disorder</a>? She knows the life of chronic illness, too.<br /><br />Later,<br />me,<br /><br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-42977287204855681572010-07-30T19:52:00.000-07:002010-07-31T02:27:16.085-07:00Living with Someone Who Has FibromyalgiaLiving with someone who has Fibromyalgia: a fate worse than Fibro?<br /><br /><ol><li>Is it okay to still participate in activities and sports that you used to do together?</li><li>Can you accept invitations to get-togethers and activities that were for just the two of you, for ones that are for the whole family?</li><li>Can you still have your standing Saturday morning golf game, followed by lunch with the guys?</li><li>Is it okay to be upset that the house looks like hell and you haven't had a decent meal in, you can't remember when?</li><li>Is it alright to be mad when you work outside all day Saturday doing all the yard work and you come inside and find your chronically ill spouse laying on the couch watching TV--AGAIN?</li><li>Can you ever think or feel anything, ever again, without feeling guilty?</li></ol><br />Well of course the answer to all of these is ---well, we all know what we want the answer to be. And, believe it or not your chronically ill spouse would agree with you---she <span style="font-style: italic;">wants</span> to agree with you. She wants you to do to all the things you used to do, all the things you want to do. But, she wants to do them, too!<br /><br />So there is a tug of envy and jealousy. There is some button pushing. There is some martyrdom. There is some lip quivering. But, honestly and truly she wants you to go, she understands why you're mad. All of that stuff is because she is mad at her disease. She is tired of always hurting and being tired. She is sad that she can't come with you. She is sad that you can never share many of those things ever again. She is sad that she can't even do the simplest things--like clean the house, fix dinner, pull weeds.<br /><br />So, you both need to <span style="font-style: italic;">keep talking</span>. But, even more important than that, you both need to LISTEN. Listen to each other when you are talking, really <span style="font-style: italic;">listen</span>. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. This is no picnic for anybody. It is excruciating -- for <span style="font-style: italic;">everyone</span>.<br /><br />Life never will be the same. But it doesn't need to be a death sentence. It doesn't need to be the end of everything your life used to be. Through the pain and through the fatigue, and through the confusion and the questions a new life can be formed, and adjusted, and re-sized. There will be tweaking along the way, new information and new symptoms and new feelings means the conversation needs to be ongoing.<br /><br />There needs to be talking. There needs to be listening. There needs to be an everlasting discussion.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-57868122965663085102010-07-26T17:41:00.000-07:002010-07-26T19:53:59.434-07:00T I R E D Musings<span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fatigue:</span> become weakened or <span style="font-weight: bold;">broken</span>, when subjected to prolonged or <o:p></o:p></span><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" >repeated <span style="font-weight: bold;">stress</span><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><p class=""><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Exhaustion:</span> a state of extreme physical or <span style="font-weight: bold;">mental</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">tiredness</span> or collapse<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=""><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Weariness:</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" >tired, especially in having <span style="font-weight: bold;">run out of</span> strength, patience, or endurance<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=""><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lassitude:</span> a state of weariness accompanied by <span style="font-weight: bold;">listlessness</span> or apathy</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Georgia; panose-1:2 4 5 2 5 4 5 2 3 3; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Inertia:</span> The tendency of a physical body to oppose any <span style="font-weight: bold;">force</span> tending to move it from a position of rest or to<span style="font-weight: bold;"> change</span> its uniform motion.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Georgia; panose-1:2 4 5 2 5 4 5 2 3 3; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Broken*************Extreme Collapse******<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p><span style=""></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">********Stress<span style="">************</span>Tired<span style="">******</span>Listlessness**<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">*****Run Out Of<span style="">*********</span><b style="">FORCE<span style="">...........</span>CHANGE</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><b style=""><o:p></o:p></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">F </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">orce Change>>>>I want my life back!!!</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">nertia>>>can't>>>move</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">B </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">roken>>>>>Battered>>>>Beat up</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">R </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">un out of>>everything--energy--fun--desire--hope--</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">O </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">ppose</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">M </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">ental Tiredness</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Y <o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">A </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">pathy</span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">L </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">istlessness>>>>weariness>>>>tiredness>>>loneliness </span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">G </span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">one>>>>Life, as we know it>>>></span><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I t<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">A <o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">ah well...... fibro................................... fog...............................</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">I am tired, oh so very tired.....can't do diddly squat....useless paper weight on the desk of life........<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-46609269739940214072010-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:002010-07-12T18:36:58.351-07:00Its Hot as HellI hurt. I am r e a l l y , r e a l l y tired. I have been trying to do some research. I cannot focus. I cannot concentrate. Thank goodness for spell check. I HATE the DAMN MONSOON weather system! DAMN MONSOON weather system and NO RAIN!! I suffer for four to five months thru these DESERT MONSOONS for a lousy 5-6 inches of rain! This "SYSTEM" has been going on for about three weeks now and not a drop of rain. I take that back--we got a drop! A drop. They were dancing in the street. Well, no they weren't because it is TOO DAMN HOT to dance, in the street or elsewhere.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. I know the east coast has been sweltering. And, I know for some strange reason the east--and west--coast homes do not have central air. Yes, they are not supposed to have those extreme high temps. BUT LOOK AT THE NEWS! The last several summers they have had record breaking heat. So, home builders, landlords put in AC!<br /><br />Would somebody explain to me WHY , back in "the good ol' days" people <span style="font-style: italic;">chose </span>to settle here? I mean they are traveling across the southwest and they come upon the desert and they say to each other, "Here. Here in this melting, sweltering sand dune we will build our homes." And, then they all say "Yes! We will build here, where its hot as hell and almost never rains."<br /><br />And next year I will be in New Orleans, cursing the rain. "At least in Tucson it didn't rain every <span style="font-style: italic;">single</span> day. It was hot, but it wasn't so DAMN humid all of the time!"<br /><br />You just can't please some people. Especially those that are HURTING and are WAY PAST TIRED!<br /><br />Later,<br /><br />me,<br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-37107342617825547662010-07-03T03:07:00.000-07:002010-07-05T15:45:48.471-07:00Happy 4th of July!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMVS8layFmE1NzDbRAYG7Knkkn0WKZhKacb4yVOCKCAMfiYFdLXk9CCLld0bSWLwL6ZxjGqh0hTz_gC0leYU6BwPKHzNdCBwjY2P6zIJPohMFwYqShqxXNsguWqN6dbAZ7oXdgA5I5oZs/s1600/the-smortuary-3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMVS8layFmE1NzDbRAYG7Knkkn0WKZhKacb4yVOCKCAMfiYFdLXk9CCLld0bSWLwL6ZxjGqh0hTz_gC0leYU6BwPKHzNdCBwjY2P6zIJPohMFwYqShqxXNsguWqN6dbAZ7oXdgA5I5oZs/s400/the-smortuary-3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5490111488282984418" border="0" /></a><a href="http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/">http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/</a> <span style="font-family:georgia;">-with thanks! </span><span style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Celebrate Your Independence!<br /></span></p><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > <span style="font-size:130%;">"The Smortuary" </span></span><!-- <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:> <w:/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w: <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Comic Sans MS"; panose-1:3 15 7 2 3 3 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:script; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} p {mso-margin-top-alt:auto; margin-right:0in; mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:0in; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >One layer of marshmallows, a layer of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, another layer of marshmallows sandwiched between two S’more Pop-Tarts topped in chocolate sauce. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a href="http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/"><br /></a></span></p><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;" >Just a tongue in cheek wish for you to have a Happy 4th of July!<br /></span><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Enjoy the family get togethers, town picnics and parades, and of course the finale of Fireworks! But, remember how we have received this independence and freedom: through the sacrifice and bravery of our armed forces and the civilians and families members who support them. Never miss the opportunity to say "Thank you" to those who risk their lives so that we may remain The Land of the Free and The Home of the Brave!</span></p><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I wish you peace and maybe, just for today, freedom from pain.</span></p><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Hugs,<span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">CJ</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;"></span></span></p><p style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style=";font-family:";" ><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-48189247676181267782010-07-01T14:47:00.000-07:002010-07-01T14:53:36.088-07:00significant others<p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I know you love me. I know you would do just about anything to make me better. I feel guilty as hell about becoming the person I have become. I hate living it. And, I am so sorry you have been dragged into my hell as well.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">There is no way I enjoy living this way every day, day in and day out, night in and night out. I hate feeling like crap everyday, all day. I can't even stand to live with myself. How do you stand to live with me? I hate saying how much I hurt. I hate saying how tired I am. I don't like listening to it, you must be going mad having to listen to it, too.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">But, what is there to do? I can't lie and say I am fine. Well, I can and I do, but it hurts even more to not be able to say how I truly feel. I hate it, but the disease is who I am right now.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I know it shouldn't be that way. I know there are chronically ill people out there screaming at their computer screen: "The disease does NOT define us!" I apologize. I truly, sincerely do. But it is the way I feel right now. I have been in denial for so long--this will go away--this is not happening--this did not happen to me--this simply can Not be.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">But, yes it is happening. It has happened. It is. And so I must figure this out.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">To Do List:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">1) Redefine self.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">2)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I am struggling to do number one. Does anyone have any pointers on how to redefine self? So many of you have done it, can you give me some ideas? I have lost touch with CJ. I have the added dilemma of becoming an empty nester. My life has centered around my family and my volunteer work. My kids are all but gone (my son will be graduating from college soon) and I cannot do any of the volunteer work I was doing. Right now my husband and I are living apart since we are in the middle of relocating. I am struggling. Who am I?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Did you know that chronic illness truly inhales profusely?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-family:Georgia;">me,</span></p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">CJ, <span style="font-size:100%;">whoever she is</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-90420752828087679382010-06-30T12:30:00.000-07:002010-06-30T17:43:21.520-07:00Medicine, menopause, and monsoon...Do they do botox in your scalp? Really -- I am in need of HELP! Perspiring excessively from the head runs in my family -- my mother's side (thanks, Mom!). I began to do so when I was about 19 or so. It is not only uncomfortable, it is humiliating. Snicker, snicker, with a smile: "Are you okay?" "What happened?" "What's wrong with you?""Is it raining?" Me (embarrassed, mortified, fed up (with the sweating and the comments): "Its just me." "I'm fine. Its just they way I am."<br /><br />Now, with all of the medications I am taking and this damn menopause (that they don't warn you lasts f-o-r-e-v-e-r!!) and the newly arriving monsoons with the accompanying humidity I look like I just stepped out of the shower from the moment I step out of the shower. It seems to get worse every day. Honestly, I cannot walk cross the room without working (??) up a sweat. I am miserable. And, I am moving to New Orleans in the near future. I am gonna die there. I am going to melt away like the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz. Except they won't need to light me on fire. I will spontaneously combust! Actually I don't think I will make it to NOLA, I will melt away here in the desert monsoons.<br /><br />Sorry, just had to bitch. I am soaked to the bone, hurt clear through to my bones, and I am bone tired. Again, I am miserable. Poor, poor pitiful me.<br /><br />me,<br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-82252161719087837672010-06-21T18:19:00.000-07:002010-06-21T18:24:20.586-07:00The best medicine of all...I am overcome with, I don't know with what!? Words, words won't come to me. I am overwhelmed with incredible feelings of gratitude, with a feeling of healing warmth, and with the feeling that I have been blessed beyond my comprehension and perhaps beyond my worthiness.<br /><br />I am not sure why I started this blog. I liked playing around with the templates and all at first. I <span style="font-style: italic;">loved</span> being able to read all of the blogs I found while poking around. I could relate so closely with so much of what was written. I decided to try writing a page myself... and along came Rose...who introduced me to Lynn-Marie and Miss Dogkisses. And, I found Jolene, Tamiko, and Naddya. What a huge, huge blessing you have all been to me. I honestly can't begin to thank you enough for all of your kind, uplifting words to me personally and for your sharing of yourselves with all of us who have been fortunate enough to have found your pages.<br /><br />This is an incredible collection of women who are willing to share their lives, their experiences both positive and negative, their very souls, to others struggling with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and many, many other forms of chronic illness. I have gained great insight from these writings and have developed great friendships with these ladies.<br /><br />I am in awe to be included in a listing of blogs by Jolene, aka gracefulagony. Please visit her blog at gracefulagony.wordpress.com. She lists fifteen blogs that she recommends be checked out. I would list them on my blog, but I haven't figured out how to embed a website on my blog yet(!!). Such a newbie! Anyway, I have read several and they are all so different and informative and worth a read!<br /><br />So, in case you haven't guessed it by now, YOU are the best medicine! All of you wonderful, kind, and supportive friends who cheer me on and commiserate with me. I could not make it thru some days without you. I wish I was as disciplined as many of you are about writing your blog each day. I know it would help me on days I am really down if I would get on my computer and at least read for awhile. I am always moved and often get a chuckle from someone's blog. Thank you fellow bloggers for all that you do to help so many. I am happy to think I have helped someone, too.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />me,<br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-38837622462754886932010-06-13T20:57:00.000-07:002010-06-21T17:57:06.287-07:00Do-overs<span style="font-family:georgia;">It is amazing to me how much all of us FM/CF sufferers have in common. We share so many of the same thoughts and feelings, coping mechanisms and non-coping mechanisms, ups and downs, ins and outs. So many of us are the Type quadruple A personality. We used to "do" and now we can't, and it makes it all so much harder. My family used to tell me I was burning the candle at both ends and in the middle, too. I was going to burn myself out...Do you suppose that is what I did? Burned myself out and now the jokes on me? OMG what a horrible thought! Can I have do-overs?</span> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="face="><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="face=">Many times over the last five years, egad! going on six years, since I was "labeled" as having Fibro I have wished to the heavens I could go back and take better care of myself , make better choices, evaluate and make better decisions. YOUNG PEOPLE OUT THERE--WARNING!!! YOU REALLY DO TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR FAMILY IF YOU TAKE CARE OF <b><i>YOURSELF</i></b> FIRST!!!</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="face="><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="face=">Another old joke: If I can't be a good example then I can , at least, serve as a horrible warning.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="face="><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">I am not, for one instant, implying that I think I brought Fibro on to myself. No, what I am beating myself up with is the fact that because I was in lousy shape before I got Fibro that I have made it triply hard to manage it now. I never dealt with stress so, as a result, I have several other physical conditions that are associated with stress and with not taking care of my health in general, like not regularly exercising, not eating healthy, and not dealing with stress!</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">Now those health problems are in a vicious cycle with themselves. The medicines cause side effects that aggravate this, which also makes that worse, and this issue makes it nearly impossible to exercise which affects my eating habits because I am depressed, which makes me eat too many carbs, which makes me gain weight, which aggravates those two problems which scares me and initiates the anxiety and drops me deeper into the hole of depression which affects my sleep that is also affected by the fibro and makes me sooo tired and the chronic fatigue and increased pain cause that last domino to tip and.....</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">You have self-imploding CJ.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">Stop the world, I want to get off.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">Later,<o:p></o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">me<o:p></o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">CJ</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">p.s. I have been alone a lot lately and have been quite introspective. Please don't think I am sitting back letting things happen to me. I have been observing and scrutinizing my life of late. I am still working on this "thing" and trying to determine the best way for <i>me</i> to attack it.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">I have had a lot of input from family and friends and fellow Fibro patients<b>. A lot. </b>I appreciate the information, I really do. But simply because it worked for so and so does not mean it will work for me. I want to continue receiving the input, but please, all of you out there that mean well, give us information, support us, but <b><i>please</i></b> don't judge us.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class=""><o:p> </o:p></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="">This is a complex, confounding array of symptoms. It is debilitating and, as of today, incurable. It’s not possible that you used to have it, but now after your treatment you are cured. I am elated for you that you are no longer in pain from whatever it was you had. But, don't judge me because I don't jump on the band wagon of your "cure". I have tried so many, many things over these five plus years. I may have tried your solution, I may have not. And, I may have not because it is too expensive. It might not have coordinated with the myriad of other "conditions" I have. You really don't know and I don't want to list everything I have tried and you sure the heck do not want to hear about all the things I have tried. So, please continue to offer me information and most importantly offer me your support. But, please don't judge me. I am doing the best that I can. </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-22492588268480128402010-06-09T15:07:00.000-07:002010-06-09T15:55:11.722-07:00If I'd known I was going to live this long.....<p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">You know the old joke: "If I'd known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself."</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">Truly, what a horrible thought. After the kids came along I never did take very good care of myself. I never took time for myself. I gave up regular exercise. We ate meals on the run from one activity to another--if I ate at all. Well, of course I ate. Late at night, when I was up not sleeping. And, of course I ate the most nutritious stuff! I remember vividly one spring night I had been up all night with a sick baby--chronic ear infections--and I "needed" something. And, what I needed was a Reese's chocolate peanut butter cup! So I went riffling thru my daughters Easter basket in search of an egg shaped chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup!</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">I should have taken charge then. What kind of reasonable adult steals from her child's Easter basket in the middle of the night??? I should have recognized I had a problem then. I could not handle stress. I was overwhelmed and depressed, but I could not admit that. I was Super Mom. I could handle it. I could manage everything and anything and everyone else's everything and anything. The load on my back just got heavier and heavier as the years went on.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">I was on a very young spindly seedling of a tree with that heavy load. And now and again a branch would snap. I would snap. And I would make a grab for another fragile, spindly branch. I usually caught it and stuffed "whatever" into my ever increasing load. Stuff it. Stuff it. Stuff it. I never dealt with these things I stuffed. I was supposed to handle it myself. I learned that early on. I was the baby. My older siblings had "issues" and I didn't want to add to my parents already over full plate. So I took care of myself and stuffed. I stuffed all the pain, all the loneliness,all the unmerciful teasing I received at school , all of the incredible sadness I felt. It all went into that load and on to that tree. That poor Charlie Brown Christmas tree tree.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">And then the dam broke and the tree was bent over, in peril of washing away. The load broke open. It all poured out in sickness --- physical ills, mental ills - paranoia and depression and anxiety and "acting out". I became someone I didn't know, behaving in ways I could not imagine. I was saved from total self destruction, but my load was still more than I could handle. I wouldn't, couldn't ask for help. I wouldn't, couldn't talk with anyone about my load. I again reached out for a spindly, wet branch. And I stuffed.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">And here I am, thirty years later, stuffing. And I wonder sometimes, if I didn't set myself up for this life I have now? I would like to change things. I would like to be different. I would like to make things right. But, I know its too late for some of the truly important things. Damn it. I really blew it on some things. I really blew it with some very, very important people.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">I feel like I am trapped under that load now. Everything shifted and it has all come down on me. I feel trapped under all of that stuff and trapped inside this very sick, very messed up, body.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">I don't know if I can ever make it right now.</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">Later,</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">me</p><p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal">CJ<br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-15906518140055866032010-06-08T20:44:00.000-07:002010-06-09T16:27:55.230-07:00I could do without it...<span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-size:130%;">I have been feeling kicked around by the universe.<br /><br />I have experienced, as we all have, the many health "care" people who acknowledge Fibro as though they have a very bad taste in their mouth. Some simply spit it out, as there is no such thing. Some wince at the taste, okay there is some research and some fellow health "care" professionals believe there is something to this syndrome, but it still tastes bitter and makes them gag. Others do the tongue click thing--yeah, yeah you have it, but there is nothing I can do about it. Shuffle, shuffle, scoot, scoot -- me, out the door.</span><u1:p></u1:p></span> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">And now I am feeling a pull within the Fibro community. Am I taking an “easy” way out? (Like there is <i style="">anything</i> “easy” about Fibro!)</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">I have been feeling a struggle of whether to continue with my choice to use a traditional medicine approach to treat these symptoms of Fibro versus the notion and proposal by some of using a natural means thru yoga, meditation, acupuncture, vitamin and other supplements, getting off all narcotics, and something called “an adrenal fatigue supplement”. I have two people who are telling me they swear by the latter.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> </span><span style="font-size:130%;">However, as you probably know, health insurance does not cover any of these non-traditional means. I had a fabulous doctor, a physiatrist, two or so years back that helped me in many ways. However, it came to the point where he said that the only thing else he could do for me was thru non-traditional medicine. And, it was not inexpensive. As a matter of fact it was expensive. My husbands company was shaky at that time and we had two kids in college. You know what I chose.</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Well, the financial situation is still not the best, with paying a mortgage on our home and the rent on an apartment for him, plus one kid still in college and me unable to work. So, what to do? Thankfully I have a PC who really is wonderful and supportive. At this time I can NOT imagine managing without the pain medications I take. Period. No question. I have been miserable the last two weeks with them, the thought of giving them up is scary and unbearable to imagine.<br /></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Does this make me an addict? Does this make me someone who is “wallowing” in their misery, in their disease? Does this make me lazy? Does this make me a wallowing, lazy, addict?</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Today I don’t know. My neck and shoulders hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. The pain in my head feels like hot embers being seared in. I haven’t been writing on my blog because of the pain. And, I miss “venting” and having responses that say “I know what you mean.” “I am sorry you hurt.”</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Right now I wish I could take something else for this pain. But, there is nothing left. I will go sit with the ice packs followed by the heating pad (in 95 degree weather!) and pray for some relief.</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Does this make me an addict?</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">I truly don’t know. The emotional pain is unbearable. The physical pain is unbearable. I am watching the clock to see when I can take more drugs. Kinda sounds like an addict to me. Only I guess they wouldn’t watch the clock---they’d just take more…now.<br /></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Is that what separates me from the addicts?</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">What a s---- way to live.</span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Later,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;">me</span></p><p class=""><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">CJ</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-981862281969951760.post-45081435617896318412010-05-24T11:38:00.000-07:002010-05-24T12:01:02.763-07:00Progressive DinnerSo it seems I have been neglecting my blog here. I didn't realize it had been so long since I have posted. I have been reading blogs and responding to them throughout week. I guess I have been wordy in my responses because it feels as though I have written several posts!<br /><br />It dawned on me today -- I have several new friends! We have wonderful, meaningful, fun conversations, my friends and I. It just happens to be over the internet! How I would love for all of us to get together for dinner! And then I thought, we do in a way. We have progressive dinners. You know where you have appetizers at one persons house, and then salad and/or soup at the next, followed by the entree at the third house, and ending with dessert at the last. We read each others posts and comment and move to the next, and so on and so forth. What a magnificent group of friends I have!<br /><br />Thank you, friends, for coming into my life. I have needed you and now I have you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!<br /><br />Fondly,<br />me<br />CJUnknownnoreply@blogger.com7