Procrastinator Extraordinaire-Reasons why people procrastinate: Perfectionism, Lack of confidence, Can't make decisions, Don't know where to start, Depression
Perfectionist : A perfectionist is someone who lives with a constant sense of failure because their achievements, no matter how impressive, don’t ever feel quite good enough.
Unfocused, Unable to Concentrate
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Do you recognize yourself? Well, it fits me to a t or to a tee, depending on your take on the phrase. (I googled it and read 8-10 answers--which explains A LOT about me!)
I have been absent from my blog for a variety of reasons (see all of the above). I have also been HURTING, as have many of you ---what is up with this summer? I have been sick with a stomach bug and my husband came home for a short visit. And, I don't know what to write about. I have several ideas, some even started in draft form waiting in line for me to DO something with them.
I am not sure what is wrong with me. I had told Rose that I feel pressure to write, to write more. Most of you write almost everyday, if not 3-4 times a week. I average once a week. Is that acceptable? I don't know. It really isn't to me. I feel like I am an insult and embarrassment to the rest of you. I feel inadequate. I'll tell you, I don't need any more help to feel like that. My inability to do anything useful because of my health is plenty enough fuel for that.
I know what is going to happen now. All of you wonderful, supportive, caring people are going to tell me it is alright and I am doing fine. Please know that I am not fishing for support. I am just laying it out there--what I feel. It is what this blog allows me to do. Be honest. Painfully honest.
I have found that my most recent posts have touched people in a way I had not imagined. I have been able to verbalize what some have been feeling, feelings they have not been able to express on their own blogs because of who has access to their posts. I have purposely tried to keep my blog as anonymous as possible so that I am able to speak my mind. I do not have anyone I can share these feelings with. You are my closest friends. You understand what I am going through, you know how tough it is, how painful and exasperating it is. You know the firestorm of emotions that I live with, that I must control. You know the unconscionable remarks and behavior of others I must endure because of their ignorance of chronic illness. And of their unwillingness to learn or to listen or to try, just try to understand.
I have not told any of my family how they can find my blog. Not even my sister who also has Fibro. I hope that's not too selfish. But, I need this for me.( She could start her own if she wants to. It wouldn't necessarily end up connected to me and my online group. I guess I would deal with it if it did.) If she read my blog everyone in my family would soon know what I had said or what I was thinking or feeling. No, she is not a gossip. You know how it is though, stuff just comes out. I cannot risk that. I need this lifeline.
So here, CJ. You have a new post, rambling though it is. Woo hoo for me. But, I do hope this explains a little bit more about me and about what has been going on with me recently.
It is what it is.
Hugs with fondness and appreciation,
CJ
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteThank you again for a refreshingly straightforward post. Sure does inspire me to write more... I don't know, more of me.
You know, I wish I'd never told anyone about my blog. I think it would have been much better and that I don't say what I would if I didn't think there is a chance they will read (about themselves!).
I've been trying to learn more about fibromyalgia and CFS, but I think it's VERY hard to learn things. I nearly fall asleep reading. Anyway, there is a link in one of my comments on the post "Perspectives on fibromyalgia" on the latest findings about CFS.
I'm wondering if you've been diagnosed with that too? I know you have fibro and you're right about this summer too! Lots of severe pain for all of us huh? Every person I know (which are all online) with fibro, have been hurting more. Maybe the seasonal change will help. (Maybe ???)
I've been diagnosed with both fibro and CFS so haven't really been following the latest news of CFS, and not really on fibro. Too tired and much of the time cognitively disabled.
I think you're doing a fine job on this blog. I put things in my draft folder. Sometimes they have sat there for over a month. I'll open up the draft folder and see if I feel like adding anything to a post in there. I actually enjoy the process. Sometimes, for me anyway, something I want to write or say comes to me in stages.
Take good care of yourself and thank you, as always, for sharing.
CJ,
ReplyDeleteI do know how you feel.. and I won't say anything to you because I think that is what I am supposed to say, or what you want to hear. If you look on Graceful Agony it has been at least a week since I posted last, and sometimes there has been 2 week stretches that I haven't had what it takes to write a single word... that doesn't make you unworthy hon, it makes you human!!
I for one, am honored to be in YOUR circle.. and you are not an embarrassment nor an insult to me. I know the rest of our group feels the same way about you, but I won't speak for them. I'm just speaking for myself here....
I'm so sorry that you've been hurting so much. Your words resonate so clearly with me.. the feelings of inadequacy and uselessness.. How we 'expect' something of ourselves that we never seem to be able to live up to. Shit, can I ever relate with to that, it is like you telling my story... It is something I battle each and every day. I know rationally that nobody judges me the same way I judge myself, but when the pain is unrelenting, and my mood starts to fall (who am I kidding, it nosedives sometimes and makes m head spin) - it is all I can do to try to stop beating myself up, only seeing my lack of 'worth' on this planet, and not my contributions. I truly think if we had the ability to see ourselves through the eyes of somebody else, we wouldn't punish ourselves so badly for being 'ill'... It isn't our fault - we aren't the perpetrators here... We are victims that are trying to find our way through all of this shit.
Whether you write 3 times a DAY, or 3 times a year - it has no bearing on your worth. YOU give others so much more than you realize CJ. That might be easy for me to say, but it isn't really.. I really struggle with all of this too... and days that I am so freaking sore that I cannot see straight, I beat myself up for not being able to GIVE as much as I get to everyone, my honey, my son, my friends... YOU... THAT is how I see it...
It is then that my wonderful friends in this community (like YOU CJ) set me straight. I am both a procrastinator and a perfectionist.. and I have always thought if I am not giving 100% I am giving nothing.. nadda... a big fat ZERO..
I'm trying to learn though that on any given day what I give is my ALL.. it just comes in different forms, and appears different some days.
I wish I was there to give you a great big hug! You know where I am if you need me right? gracefulagony@gmail.com. If you want to chat, cry, vent, or you just need a friend - I am here. I know how screwed up and isolating this pain is.. I know how it messes with your thoughts, and how it changes our perception of ourselves...
Just please know that I am here if you need me..
XOXOXOXO
Jolene
You've often told me how close I hit to home. Now, I'll tell you the same thing. I understand the need for privacy and to be sheltered. I live that. I have found with this "group" my lifeline as well. This blog, while not anonymous, gives me a group of people who accept me as I am. You, my friend, are accepted here. Now you have a whole group of friends that will check up on you!! This pain isolates us, depresses us and pisses us off.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel the need to post any more than you need to FOR YOU. This blog is not only your lifeline but a way for you to say what you need to say. There is no right or wrong way. I write because if I don't I might go off the deep end. It gives me a place to say what I'm feeling. You, my dear, are not an embarrassment to blogging. Your posts are wonderful and heartfelt. I felt a connection with you from the minute I started reading it.
You are very special CJ. This illness sucks the life out of us but amazingly enough we've found a wonderful group of women.
Take very much care CJ........Thinking about you and giving you virtual hugs.......
Rose