You know the old joke: "If I'd known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself."
Truly, what a horrible thought. After the kids came along I never did take very good care of myself. I never took time for myself. I gave up regular exercise. We ate meals on the run from one activity to another--if I ate at all. Well, of course I ate. Late at night, when I was up not sleeping. And, of course I ate the most nutritious stuff! I remember vividly one spring night I had been up all night with a sick baby--chronic ear infections--and I "needed" something. And, what I needed was a Reese's chocolate peanut butter cup! So I went riffling thru my daughters Easter basket in search of an egg shaped chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup!
I should have taken charge then. What kind of reasonable adult steals from her child's Easter basket in the middle of the night??? I should have recognized I had a problem then. I could not handle stress. I was overwhelmed and depressed, but I could not admit that. I was Super Mom. I could handle it. I could manage everything and anything and everyone else's everything and anything. The load on my back just got heavier and heavier as the years went on.
I was on a very young spindly seedling of a tree with that heavy load. And now and again a branch would snap. I would snap. And I would make a grab for another fragile, spindly branch. I usually caught it and stuffed "whatever" into my ever increasing load. Stuff it. Stuff it. Stuff it. I never dealt with these things I stuffed. I was supposed to handle it myself. I learned that early on. I was the baby. My older siblings had "issues" and I didn't want to add to my parents already over full plate. So I took care of myself and stuffed. I stuffed all the pain, all the loneliness,all the unmerciful teasing I received at school , all of the incredible sadness I felt. It all went into that load and on to that tree. That poor Charlie Brown Christmas tree tree.
And then the dam broke and the tree was bent over, in peril of washing away. The load broke open. It all poured out in sickness --- physical ills, mental ills - paranoia and depression and anxiety and "acting out". I became someone I didn't know, behaving in ways I could not imagine. I was saved from total self destruction, but my load was still more than I could handle. I wouldn't, couldn't ask for help. I wouldn't, couldn't talk with anyone about my load. I again reached out for a spindly, wet branch. And I stuffed.
And here I am, thirty years later, stuffing. And I wonder sometimes, if I didn't set myself up for this life I have now? I would like to change things. I would like to be different. I would like to make things right. But, I know its too late for some of the truly important things. Damn it. I really blew it on some things. I really blew it with some very, very important people.
I feel like I am trapped under that load now. Everything shifted and it has all come down on me. I feel trapped under all of that stuff and trapped inside this very sick, very messed up, body.
I don't know if I can ever make it right now.
Later,
me
CJ
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderfully honest post, which I appreciate very much. Thank you. I'm pretty sure I feel exactly the same way and it isn't easy, feeling this way.
I have many days, especially over the past year, when I don't think I'll make it. I feel like I screwed up twenty years ago and yesterday too.
Stress is hard. My son is ill and I don't know what to do for him. This frustration often leads to me getting angry, which certainly isn't helping him. Then I feel guilty. Then hopeless. Then responsible. Then I have flare ups so more guilt. It's a viscous cycle. It's so hard I can't even write about it like you have your feelings here.
Maybe you didn't take care of yourself the way you can see now would have benefited you, but maybe you didn't know to do that at the time. I think we do the best we can in the moment with what we have to go on. (You can remind me of that later when I need to hear it).
Your motherly instincts sure were there. Going so hard to meet the needs of your child, staying up with your sick baby, putting aside your own needs to be a mother. And it's hard not to dip into the Easter basket when the children are sleeping! I could not resist.
I know you are talking about something deeper than taking a bit of chocolate though.
You are here now. You have your wisdom and learning to offer the world and one way you're doing it is in this blog. Your words me something to me and I cannot imagine I am the only person they mean something to.
Thank you for sharing with wonderful honesty CJ.
Hugs and dogkisses to you.
Yes, Ms. CJ we are so much alike. Supermom's never take care of themselves. We can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Everyone else is more important than we are. I loved eating a midnight when there was no one around. As far as stealing from my own daughters Easter basket????? Sure, Why not??? We ran and ran. Now, I didn't have weight issues back then. It was when I hit the 50's that that lovely one came along. Trust me, I had a whole trunkload full of them, weight just wasn't one of them. I think it goes farther than not handling stress. We couldn't handle ourselves. We didn't like us. We weren't enough. I don't know where it all stems from but I never said no. I was always afraid of not being liked. I didn't medicate with food until later.
ReplyDeleteI so regret so many things. I have blown it in ways that have come back to haunt me big time but I will tell you this. YOU WILL MAKE IT. We may not be able to go back but we can go forward one step at a time. I still tend to look backwards but the writing will help you get through some of the regrets and you'll find peace CJ. Honest you will.
I'd like to tell you that you aren't trapped right now. You are. But you're digging out and that's a good thing. Keep digging. We're all so screwed up. Maybe that's why we've become friends. Great minds think alike!!!! Weird, isn't it??? But in this mired mess and sickness we have gotten a couple of blessings. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find them.
You'll be okay CJ. Keep saying it. I'll say it with you.
YOU'LL BE OKAY.
YOU'LL BE OKAY.
Been there, too. My weight gain was compounded by two things -- first the pain and degeneration of my joints made exercise impossible and I was on and off prednisone for a year to kick that pain. My wake up call came right before my 54th birthday when I was diagnosed with prednisone-induced diabetes and my life changed literally overnight.
ReplyDeleteWithin 18 months I lost 40 pounds and got my blood sugar under tight control. After staying at a plateau for nearly 6 months, I'm finally starting to lose again, about 1-3 pounds a week. I have 30 to go.
Funny thing but I just wrote a post today about weight loss -- does it mean feeling better? In some ways yes and in some ways not. What we need to do if determine what makes us feel better and how to get there.
For me it's not exercise or social activities (neither of which I can do a lot of) but rather keeping up with friends online and family in person and my work (which is all online thank goodness!).
I have learned that putting things off till "I lose this weight" is not conducive to being "happy" with my life. I've lost the weight and still can't do what I can't do. But I can do other things now and none of those is related to my weight.
I'm enjoying reading your blog and hope you visit mine sometime!