I am having those thoughts when I really wonder if its truly worth it anymore. I hurt so much and I can't sleep and I am way past exhausted. The meds barely take the edge off. The side effects of weight gain, excessive perspiration, swollen legs and ankles make me totally miserable and a horrid sight to behold. I am 100 pounds over weight and because of this damn health of mine I can't make a dent. I have tried. I have tried! (That "!" is for the people who give me the look "What a lazy, fat slob with no self control.")
What is the point in living this way? I am barely able to do the stupid little things everyone must do--grocery shopping, going to the bank, paying bills (hopefully on time), laundry. That is it. That is pretty much my life. The rest is spent sitting on the couch watching TV. It hurts to hold the phone up for very long at all, I'm on my 8th or 9th set of head phones. It hurts to hold up a book, a magazine, a newspaper. It hurts too much these days to do this--type or browse on the computer. My neck and shoulders are on fire with pain. My shoulder muscles are hard as a rock, my neck pinches with every move.
What is the point? I am soon to be 56 years old, but I feel 86. I truly think I should stay put and let my husband start a new life in New Orleans. If I suggested it he would say no way, because he is that kind of guy. But if he was honest with himself he would love the opportunity. I am not the person he married, have not been for years. He would not be leaving me, he'd be leaving what I have mutated into.
I hurt in every cell in my body. I have already taken all of the medicine I can. I guess I will go for the ice and heating pad and maybe a rum and coke. Yeah, I know what most of the 24 meds I take say on the bottle. But really, what possible difference could it make?
me
CJ, lost in time
p.s. Don't call the cops. I will not do anything. My son and I live here alone and I would never do that to him.
Oh sweetie........we were probably writing together last night. I get so tired and so depressed. You're more honest about it than I am. If I didn't have my daughter I don't know what I'd do. This doesn't seem worth it. I will tell you this....thank God you have a support system. Even though you're not the woman he married.....big deal. He's probably changed too. If it were him in this position you'd stand beside him in a minute. You're that kind of woman. Besides that......the weight gain....I'm with you there. I weighed 115 when this started and I'm hitting 170. I'm so disgusted with myself and I can't seem to lose it. I was hoping the walking would help. Not one damn bit. It is painful and depressing and I get tired of sitting and watching movies. I'm with you CJ. We're here for each other. Thanks for being here. It means a lot. I had a margarita last night too..............
ReplyDeleteCJ reading your post I am truly touched. I am so very sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you go through. Appreciate you sharing and pray your pain will subside.
ReplyDelete(((((((CJ)))))))
Oh hon, I understand. I wonder the same thing. At the end of the day... you said it yourself in your p.s... the point is your son. There's always at least one thing we can focus on that reminds us we do have a purpose. Even if it only feels like one little thing, really it's important enough we will stick around. Dealing with all this pain & crap definitely is a downer. I'm sooo thankful we all have each other to lean on for support & understanding!!!! I appreciate you a lot CJ! Keep fighting. It can only get better, right?
ReplyDeleteLet's hope that together. {{gentle hug}}
I say we all have a strong drink together...I thought I was the only one to gain so much weight. I was so meticulous about myself in what seems like eons ago..now, whats the point. I am more comfortable in my jammas and robe..I am now a muu muu lady egads.
ReplyDeleteCJ hang in there, i am hurting painwise typing this we just drove 8 hours to get to our son and daughter in law's and my body feels it. we dont see them often and I am not going to bed yet. hang in there..that is the only option. We all feel like whats the point.
gentle hugs sweets,
Barb
Sorry to hear that you have hit such a low point. Chronic pain, as a friend says, can be a thief: of our joys, our hopes, our brighter tomorrows. So, we just have to be continually be warriors and survivors, even if we don't feel with have the strength to do so. Let your son be your strength., Members of the chronic pain community who truly understand what you are going through will/have send you their compassionate and caring thoughts and gentle (((((hugs))))). You are not alone in this: you have family, friends, and a whole cyberverse full of folks pulling for you to get past this moment of darkness.
ReplyDeleteHey sweetie, just checking in on you! My son-in-law was in the hospital so I've been MIA. How are you doing dear one?? Take care and let me know if you need anything. You know I'm here for you!
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Rose
I am posting this for http://hibernationow.wordpress.com as she had trouble getting her comments to upload to your site. Hope this works:
ReplyDeleteoh you are so not alone!!!! I have major thyroid problems (Hashimoto's
Thyroiditis) AND fibromyalgia at the same time. A lof times I don't know which
pain is what but does it really matter? Pain is pain and I can relate. I have a
blog on here too so if you get discouraged and want some empathy read mine and
we can talk, anytime. Regards, Laurie
hibernationnow.wordpress.com