I know you love me. I know you would do just about anything to make me better. I feel guilty as hell about becoming the person I have become. I hate living it. And, I am so sorry you have been dragged into my hell as well.
There is no way I enjoy living this way every day, day in and day out, night in and night out. I hate feeling like crap everyday, all day. I can't even stand to live with myself. How do you stand to live with me? I hate saying how much I hurt. I hate saying how tired I am. I don't like listening to it, you must be going mad having to listen to it, too.
But, what is there to do? I can't lie and say I am fine. Well, I can and I do, but it hurts even more to not be able to say how I truly feel. I hate it, but the disease is who I am right now.
I know it shouldn't be that way. I know there are chronically ill people out there screaming at their computer screen: "The disease does NOT define us!" I apologize. I truly, sincerely do. But it is the way I feel right now. I have been in denial for so long--this will go away--this is not happening--this did not happen to me--this simply can Not be.
But, yes it is happening. It has happened. It is. And so I must figure this out.
To Do List:
1) Redefine self.
2)
I am struggling to do number one. Does anyone have any pointers on how to redefine self? So many of you have done it, can you give me some ideas? I have lost touch with CJ. I have the added dilemma of becoming an empty nester. My life has centered around my family and my volunteer work. My kids are all but gone (my son will be graduating from college soon) and I cannot do any of the volunteer work I was doing. Right now my husband and I are living apart since we are in the middle of relocating. I am struggling. Who am I?
Did you know that chronic illness truly inhales profusely?
me,
CJ, whoever she is
Hi dear one........I know what you mean. I wish I knew how to redefine myself. I need to do that as well and I have no clue how to do it. It just seems so overwhelming. I guess I'm still angry about what this has taken from me.
ReplyDeleteHere in the black hole with you.......
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteI left you a comment for this post on my blog. I thought I'd try again today to see if blogger would let me comment. My blogID sometimes doesn't take on blogger. I hope today is a relatively good day for you. I'm thinking of you.
dogkisses
Ohhh girl, we've all been there. This sucks. And while it doesn't always define us, there are these moments that get through (and sometimes these moments can last for years).
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through. The sun will shine again. There will be days without rain. There will be days where we don't feel as much pain. But there are these days with rain & pain and it's okay to feel this way. It's a part of who you are becoming. As much as it sucks to change due to an illness, if you don't embrace that part of your life (eventually, not at all pretending that happens overnight, or that even those of us who have gotten there don't backslide sometimes) you will just rot and die.
And no one no one wants that for you, even you... even if somedays you feel like that's the easy way out. When it's all said and done, you have a good life. You have things to be thankful for. Even if it doesn't always feel that way. What matters most is what we do with how we're feeling. You may feel like dying, but you aren't going to kill yourself. You may feel like you just want to be alone, but the reality is that's usually the opposite of what we truly want. You may feel like you can't do anything, but you really can do at least some things on some days.
Despite the ache and pain and frustration, there are also always people out there so much worse off than us. Like people fighting cancer, laying in hospital beds, gasping for straws to cling to. I think it helps us to keep some perspective such as this, to remember that we aren't alone in our fight, and that there are others out there that are struggling even more than we are. It always reminds me of those who have gone before me or will come after me battling horrific illness and horrific pain. If they can do it, so can I. Somehow, someway. For me, that means with the strength of my Savior Jesus Christ. For you, it may mean through meditation or some other form of something that relaxes you and brings you back to remembering there's more to life than how we feel on one given day. Not that how you feel doesn't matter, it soooo does, I just think keeping perspective can help us through those dark hours. So we come out of the tunnel back into the light eventually.
It's okay to feel this way, just keep fighting to find yourself. It's okay to say I don't know who I am right now. It's okay to struggle to redefine who you truly are. The best way to do that is to find ways that work best for you. Explore and discover this new self, and embrace it. Eventually. We're hear listening and praying for you and thinking of you through it all.
Always remember that YOU ARE LOVED. Someone somewhere will always love you, no matter what, and no matter how much you may change. There's still part of that original you in there that will always only be you.
Dear Rose and Miss Dogkisses,
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad that you can relate to what I said and cannot offer ideas or solutions. In some ways it is a comfort, but oh how sorry I am that you are in this deep, dark hole, too.
Dear Rochelle, thank you.
Thank you so much for your understanding and insight. And, most especially, for your very last paragraph. Rose and Miss Dogkisses are you listening?
"ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE LOVED."
"THERE'S STILL A PART OF THAT ORIGINAL YOU
IN THERE THAT WILL ALWAYS ONLY BE YOU."
Words to hold on to, Rochelle. Thank you.
Fondly,
CJ
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteYep! I'm listening. Thank you. I tried to move my comment and now I flat out lost it. But I gather you read it and know that yes, I can definitely relate and I'm glad this didn't depress you more.
I'm kind of in a low mood. I don't know why but it seems like every 4th of July is the same. I hope the fireworks don't start in my own neighborhood because my dogs just bark the whole time.
I hope your weekend is going okay. As always, I'm wishing you peace in your heart and mind.
Thank you too Rochelle.
I've been through the process and just want to help keep you guys encouraged and inspired to keep pressing on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there ladies!
ReplyDelete*gentle hugs*
Redefining yourself... wow... that's not a small deal. That's a huge deal. I am going through the beginning of that process and I am overwhelmed. I think that's why I am having these huge swings of ups and downs with my depression. It's extra difficult to manage my pain.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's a coincidence though. I think that this is all due to the fact that during the days when I was working 15 - 20 hours a day and 6-7 days a week for years, I never looked up. I never thought about the future. I just worked my behind off and tried to make everyone around me happy and now I'm not quite sure how to define what I want.
I'm still trying to figure out how to relax. I'm trying to figure out what questions to ask myself so I can get to the answers to define what I want.
Crazy when you think about it. I could get anything done, fast, on time, within budget and influence a team and all that crap. 15-20 years later? I can't figure out what I want...
I'm just trying to take one day at a time right now... :)
I think we should be happy to have one good (bold and underlined) day at a time! If we can increase those and continue to double them and then progressively start to answer the questions to get to defining our next life... we are golden.
Tamiko