Friends?

I ran into one of those "friends" that unceremoniously dropped me over a year ago. This was a group of seven "friends" that had been together for over five years, that emailed almost daily, that got together at least 2-3 times a month. This was a group of ladies I thought were forever friends. We would get the whole gang together with our husbands and go out to eat, watch the super bowl, etc. We talked about how we would still be together in our 70's and 80's. These were my friends.

And then I became depressed, seriously, critically, clinically depressed. Then the Fibro kicked in with a vengeance. I retreated. I crawled into a hole. I became a zombie, doing only what absolutely had to be done for me and my family to exist. And, only exist. The living, the life was gone.

Well, I guess my "friends" had enough. They stopped emailing. They stopped calling. They, as a group, decided I had "moved on". They, as a group, were no longer going to email or call or invite me to the get togethers. They, as a group, were through being my friend. Can you imagine? I did.

I pictured them gathered around the table. What to do about CJ? She doesn't email. She doesn't come out anymore. She must have moved on. We will, too. We will drop her as our friend. All in favor, raise your hand. Opposed? No? No. She is no longer our friend.

So, today this "friend" sees me for the first time in over a year. I am getting a pedicure (a luxury I allow myself every now and then). She is finished and comes over to me. "CJ, how are things?" Like nothing had ever happened. Like she saw me last month and wanted to catch up. She peppered me with questions. How's your husband? How's your daughter? How's your son? With each question I had to fight the tears back. I dug my nails into the palm of my hand. Harder. Harder. How could she act this way? How could she be asking about my family like she was still a part of my life? How could she act this way after the way she treated me? What the hell is a friend, anyway? Can I melt into this chair and get away from this pain? Does she not see it? Hear it in my voice?

No. She couldn't. I was the cashier at the grocery store - the woman at the dry cleaners - the girl who just did her nails. I was just another person in her day that required polite behavior. Just another faceless person to attend to when you are polite and behave with good manners.

She didn't see me. She didn't see the pain she was causing. The pain she caused. I have dreaded this day. The day I would run into one of my old "friends". Living in a hole left little chance that I would. I was safe in that hole.

And now I hurt. And I am so tired. I hurt physically and emotionally. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and in my neck. And in my hands, with the indentations of my fingernails deep inside my palms. I hurt and I have a headache. I have a killer headache from holding back the tears.

How could she not see?How could they not see? How could I be put out like yesterday's garbage? Gad, I hurt. I am so tired. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.

Stress? Yes, it affects fibro symptoms.

me,
just me

but maybe, just maybe,
CJ, in time

How do you start?

So, how do you start one of these things? It seems odd to just jump in the middle of my life (Is this the middle? No, think that happened a few years back. Okay, more than a few.) Start at the beginning of this Fibro thing? I have no idea when that was. It seems like it has always been here. I read about someone who said they have had Fibro for over 30 years! Yikes! Well, I guess if you can think back that far maybe you can trace it. Me, I can't think past this morning.

It seems like this THING has always been here. Yet I know it hasn't been this bad. I actually used to have a life. I do know that. I was a mover and a shaker. Well, I did things. Lots of things. I never learned the art of saying "No". That is until this THING came along. Now its "I'm sorry, no." That happened enough times that I lost a whole group of friends."Friends" that I had for over five years. They decided I had "moved on". They said they were still my friends. They just took me off the group email. I have heard from one of them in the past year. She sent a card.

Moved on. Yeah, well. I guess I have moved--to a totally different world. A world of unending pain. A world of unrelenting fatigue--make that exhaustion. A world of doctors, one right after the other. A world of medicines, one right after the other. A world of unending depression. A world of heart jumping anxiety. A world of "No, I'm sorry."

A state of existence. I don't feel like I am living in this world right now. Just existing. There is oh so much more than the Fibro going on that has me in this hole. It would be the "whole" of my life. But, the Fibro makes everything else so hard to manage. My health, or lack of, is ruling my life. Everything depends on how I feel from moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day. For so long the pain and exhaustion have had me tied to the couch.

I have got to find a way off of this couch.

me,
CJ, in time